Life Update

After three weeks of consistent blogging, I thought for sure I had found a good routine. Then, I got busier and stopped making time for writing. A goal I’ve made for the summer is to journal for 20 minutes every night before bed. That way, it becomes a nonnegotiable part of my day and I have a fulfilling way to wind down.

In the last month and a half, a lot has happened but the most notable thing was completing treatment at IOP. I didn’t want to discharge yet and the clinical recommendation was to do another four weeks. But the semester was ending and my parents wanted me to come home, so I did. 

I posted the speech I read during my closing circle at IOP, which you can read here, but now that we’re two weeks out, I’d like to reflect on the transition. 

Honestly, it’s been unsettling and weird. I had gotten so used to walking to IOP right after lunch and then spending three unfiltered hours surrounded by people I genuinely loved and who genuinely loved me. I can’t explain how safe and supported I felt there. It was a space to vent and get advice, a space to laugh and cry, a space to learn and educate, a space to feel purposeful and give others purpose, and so much more.

Without IOP, I’ve felt a little more on edge and anxious. It feels like I don’t have my anchor anymore and without it, I’m flailing. I really miss all the people I met in IOP, both staff and group members. It’s impossible to stay in touch with all 18 group members — though I am in contact with the ones I was closest to — and I can’t reach out to the staff anymore.

The last time I went over a week without therapy was summer 2022. I am currently in the process of being referred to my school’s Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences center (PBHS). The plan was to get assigned a new therapist at PBHS and do telehealth over the summer and then switch to in-person therapy next semester. Unfortunately, the referral is taking forever, particularly because of the low weight and ED concerns. But hey, the fact that I’m not blaming myself or spiraling into self hatred for the prolonged process shows a lot of growth. Thank you, Harriet and Mindful Self Compassion group! Anyway, in the meantime, I have reached out to my old, pre-IOP therapist to see if we can do a couple of sessions while I’m waiting to be connected with PBHS. Hopefully, that works out, because I am not cut out for raw-dogging life without a therapist (yet).

The transition back home has been generally lonely as well. In college, the proximity I had to all my friends and peers was so valuable because it led to nearly constant social interaction. I found out this year that I’m actually an extremely social person and am nearly always down to hang with others. I’ve known I’m outgoing but considered myself to have a relatively low social battery. In reality, though, I think that “low” social battery was a direct result of being chronically depressed for years coupled with shitty middle and high school friends eating away at my confidence.

College was a fresh start for me socially. I felt like all the baggage of tumultuous relationships in high school was behind me and I let go of much of the fear of judgment from others. That allowed me to be myself again. I was able to access the personality I thought I had left behind forever in elementary school. I remember sobbing in “First Amendment Courtyard” (my favorite spot on campus) the day I had the epiphany that the bubbly, confident parts of myself that had been beat down were emerging again. 

So, being back home now, with my friends far away and no ability to drive to see them, is hitting extra hard. I miss being able to call a friend and then meet ten minutes later. I miss just showing up at a friend’s place. I miss being able to walk to on campus events and have fun on my own too.

I also got used to a consistent routine in college and the best way to fix that void is to create a summer schedule for myself. 

Here’s the plan right now (subject to change of course):

Key features include a walk every day, workouts 3x/week (I’m cleared to exercise that much now!!!), and going to coach at Silver Moon Gymnastics as much as possible. Fingers crossed this helps stabilize my mood.